Nickels, have you seen the most recent season of Emily in Paris? The main character is a complete trainwreck but it did inspire this blog post. Emily is navigating her 20’s and like most of us during that era is making a lot of questionable decisions. It made me think of my own experiences in my 20’s to which I have identified a list of 6 things I wish I knew then that I know now. Please be sure to comment and let me know if you can relate?

1. College was a waste of time and money

Hear me out, if you are not a millennial you may not understand this sentiment. I was a first generation college graduate and felt pressure to go to school. My family, teachers, and school counselor assured me that attending college was the next logical step following high school. Their idea was that a college’s education would provide financial security and an abundance of opportunities. They were wrong but to be fair they did not know it at the time. As the saying goes “talent is equally distributed but opportunity is not”. For me, college only yielded a mediocre job earning a modest income AND wouldn’t you know I have navigated my 13 year career without ever once being asked to provide proof of my degree? So many businesses require an education but never actually request a candidate to produce evidence of that rather arbitrary requirement. In college they put so much stock into us declaring a major by our second year; I majored in Finance. However, in the real world our majors do not actually make a difference. There are so many individuals working in my field of study that majored in something else in college. I wish I would have studied something more liberal in college and later obtained my financial licenses and/or certifications. Certificates hold more stock in Finance than a degree anyway. If I knew then what I know now I would have reconsidered going to college all together or at least held off for a while. There are plenty of lucrative career options that do not require degrees and many employers who now offer tuition reimbursement programs. It maybe would have been more resourceful to gain valuable work experience and then at a later time pursue a degree while taking advantage of an employer’s reimbursement program.

2. Accepting a job just to get my foot in the door was a huge mistake

Upon graduating from college it took me 2 years to find a job. I was convinced by a recruiter to accept role in a call center at a financial institution just to get my foot in the door of that company. I was stuck at that same company for 8 years and not much beyond a toe got into that “door”. The flaw with the foot in the door action plan, particularly for an African American woman, is that once in a position we tend to be typed cast for that role. What I mean is prospective employers and recruiters are reluctant to value potential over experience. My experience happened to be in a role I never wanted in the first place and I was challenged with trying to convince prospective employers to see my potential, honor my transferrable skills, AND acknowledge my degree! While networking maybe would have alleviated some of those pain points I found it difficult to connect with decision makers on that level. Studies have shown that women and people of color have more difficulty with networking, mentorship, and sponsorship compared to their white counterparts. For instance, check out the 2012 study (performed during the early stages of my career) by Katherine Milkman, a professor at Wharton School of Business who reviewed how race and gender impacts advancement. I like to think her study further supports my theory that getting your foot in the door is not a very useful strategy for woman of color. In essence, if I knew then what I know now I would have been more aggressive and held out for the job I really wanted.

3. Dating after of college is hard!

I will never forget the time my sorority sister coined the phrase “women go to school to get their MRS” and I wish I would have known then what I know now which is dating is hard after college! Most of my friends and acquaintances who are married met their spouses in college or at college age. Dating for me in college was traumatic, full of drama, and a huge distraction. As such, I had no intention on finding a husband there; big mistake! I assumed I would have plenty of opportunities to date upon graduating following the establishment of my career but I grossly miscalculated my odds. I did not account for the challenges of meeting a quality partner outside of a controlled environment like school. Suddenly my dating pool was shallow and filled with prospects who they themselves had accessibility to an unquantifiable amount of women. In summary, dating as an adult has been daunting, filled with a lot ghosting, disappointment, and regret! Maybe I should have focused on settling down before graduating college.

4. Self love and internal validation is important

I was very insecure in my 20’s. I needed a lot of external validation from family members, friends, lovers, employers, etc. The issue with relying on others to validate my worth was running the risk of being undervalued which I often was. For example I would overextend myself at work, clocking in long hours and independently learning skills to enhance my job performance. However, I was never acknowledged for my proactiveness and tenacity. Something I know now that I wish I knew then is that validation and confidence comes from within then exudes on the outside.

5. Deal with people accordingly

I use to overvalue my relationships in my 20’s and early 30’s. No relationship should come at an unreasonable cost. In my 20’s time served in any relationship such as a friendship superseded the quality of that relationship. One thing I know now that I wish I knew then is that all relationships are going to have hurdles, there will be growing pains, and conflict inevitable but it is important to me that a friendship has certain key qualities. The key qualities are mutual respect, honest communication, and equity. It is all about balance and reciprocity for me. My sister once gave me the best advice regarding relationships that do not meet my expectation and that was to deal with people accordingly. In dealing with people accordingly I do not have to have a big blow out or kumbaya like I did when I was younger to express myself. I’ve learned that reevaluating and redefining a relationship in silence is more peaceful and effective; it is a natural evolution in every relationship’s life cycle. I think about how allocation elections in a retirement plan work. Every so often the percentages of the funds elected get off balance and a financial adviser or some automated system comes in to do a rebalancing of those investments to ensure the investor stays on track with their goals. Relationships need that same evaluation and rebalancing sometimes. As such, not all relationships can survive that process and that is okay. Sometimes you have to change the investments all together to meet the end goal.

6. Things almost never go as planned

Most of us had a plan in life which is why we went to a certain school, declared a certain major, dated a certain guy, befriended a certain group of people, moved into a certain neighborhood, etc. I do not know about most people but for me none of my plans went as planned. I was very specific about my goals and corresponding timelines but life happens while we’re planning for life, right? So something I know now that I wish I knew then is that adaptability is the key to happiness. I have accepted that in life I must pivot to survive and I now desire preparedness over having a concrete plan. So let’s toast to planning for the best but preparing for the worst.

A Nickel for your thoughts, how much should we tip our service workers? 
I have been challenged by this question many times during my travels (pre covid). On my many vacations I would encounter a plethora of service works such as the servers at the restaurants I dined at, the excursion guide, the hotel staff, the taxi driver, etc. Outside of the customary 20% I know we may tip our servers at restaurants I was often befuddled when determining the tip for other service industries. This would cause me great anxiety as I believe their is a psychological component associated with tipping. If I unknowingly tip too little I could be perceived as cheap or ungrateful. On the contrary, if I tip at the customary threshold, I could be perceived as generous or grateful. It is no coincidence tipping is correlated to gratitude, hence the use of the word gratuity in lieu of tip at some places of business. Therefore, the very content of my character is being analyzed every time I purchase a skinny girl margarita at the bar.

As I grappled with the problematic social and psychological paradigms of tipping, I would complain about this subject with my fellow travelers and friends. We would discuss the obvious issue with the tipping custom in America such as being forced as a patron to subsidize the livable wages of workers in addition to paying for a service at full price. In essence we are being double “taxed”! Furthermore, we would discuss how we noticed during our travels to other countries in Europe, tipping was discouraged. In fact, the service provider would be offended by our gesture of gratitude. This made me think, why is tipping so customary in America, the land of abundance? Still I never had a desire to research the origins of tipping after our thoughtful dialogues until just last night. This time when the topic came up, I decided I no longer wanted to be vexed by this issue given the fact research is at our fingertips. 
Upon research I stumbled across an article written by TIME and this article changed my attitude towards tipping in America.

Like everything else in America it would seem tipping is rooted in white supremacy, manipulation, and greed. According to the article, tipping was historically used as a economic tool to support the fundamentals of slavery and free labor. Post civil war and during the reconstruction former slaves and other black people were mostly able to secure service jobs. At that time employers would opt out of paying their black workers livable wages and instead force them to rely on the tips from patrons based on the demonstration of exemplary service. I can only imagine this meant many black servers in these positions were simply unpaid. I surmise any minor infraction of poor customer service would cause a server their entire salary. Additionally, according to the article, some states outlawed the receipt of tips. Therefore, criminalizing a person for receiving their only source of income.

Tipping is similar to redlining, gerrymandering, jim crow laws, voter suppression, policing, and the war on drugs in that the legalization of these practices widened and further perpetuated the wealth disparity between people of color and white people. If we continue to support the ideology of tipping then we inadvertently encourage employers to continue in this historically unethical practice of forcing employees to provide free labor. Rather I think we should advocate for an increase in minimum wage and the stabilization of the cost of living. I know my solution is theoretical and possibly impractical. It is amusing how the right thing to do is always the impossible thing to achieve. Good intentions in this country seem to have unattended social, economic, and psychological consequences based on the complexity of the power structure. Essentially, the country was designed by and for the people who are ahead to stay ahead and for people of color to never catch up. Yes, there are exceptions, you may even be one but certainly not the rule. Anyway, before I get too deep I encourage us all to continue to question the status quo to uncover hidden truths and hopefully reverse some of the damage that has already been done.

Click on the link below to check out the TIME article. It is a good read!

• Link

Hey Nickels, as this site is inspired by us single black females, it is time we have to address the elephant in the room. Why are we single? Honestly, let me first say, we single ladies hate being asked that very loaded question but since asked, we’re just as bewildered as you are readers. I have no answer to explain this phenomenon but I have my theories. Before I share my thoughts I would like to share the following quote from one of my favorite civil rights activist.

“The most disrespected woman in America, is the Black Woman. The most un-protected person in America is the Black Woman. The most neglected person in America, is the Black Woman.”

Malcom x

So, why might we be single…

#1: Welfare-gate, let me explain. Once on a trip to Sarasota with my Grandma and her girlfriends I learned that during the 70’s many families in need were not eligible to apply for welfare if there was a man in the household. In an effort to garnish the help much needed, some women disassociate themselves with their companions. I am a lifestyle blogger not an investigator so I have not verified the validity of these accusations but I believe it plausible. After all, this would not be the first time in American history our government was responsible for tearing families a part, right? I imagine welfare-gate had some everlasting implications to the foundation of the American household, particularly in the black community as it is rare to see two parent households.

#2: Reproductive Scientific advances such as Intrauterine insemination (IUI) and In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) has opened up opportunities for women to have families independent of men. Yes, sperm is still needed but you can purchase it at a cryobank along with a complete record of genetic and medical history for a nominal fee.  

#3: Remember the Destiny’s Child song, ‘Independent Women’? Well the independent woman era may be another motive behind the influx of unmarried women. Several historical events such as the ratification of the 19^th amendment (giving women the right to vote), the mobilization of women in the workforce during WWII, the Me Too movement, and other social justice actions have supported an atmosphere for women to thrive without partners. As more women are becoming the educated, high earners, and filling up spaces they were once not welcomed, it is understandable why some women are choosing a simpler and satisfactory lifestyle being single.

#4: I have a theory that social media has caused a huge supply and demand issue. It is challenging to support an environment conducive to exclusivity when men and women have access to a myriad of people outside of their immediate network. Superficial or otherwise, relationships are being forged rapidly and it is hard to keep up with dating trends.

#5: The not so flattering possible cause for why black women are single is they are just not that into us. Many outlets conclude black women are the less desirable to suitors of all races. We’ve all heard the stereotypes bequeathed on us by prominent and influential men.

#6: We’re just not that into them. The amount of trauma inherited just for being a black woman in this country is monumental. Some of us are damaged goods, it is enough to reject the mere idea of a suitor. Some of us simply do not have the skillset to be loved because we struggle with loving ourselves. We live in a society that has demonized us for being black and female. That is a hell of a lot of love to give ourselves to compensate for the lack of love received. Plus we have seen our mommas do it alone. I, as well as many other black people are byproducts of a single parent household. Then there are those few brave souls who do manage to overcome adversity but somehow are still cheated out of a great love story.

#7: Finally, some women are simply satisfied single. I am at times one of those women. There is plenty of life to live without a partner. We do not live in the 19th century when being single would condemn us to a life as a spinster or a whore. There is a generous amount of freedom that comes with our independence. Also, being single does not mean, we are alone. Find a good group of friends, heal kinships, and extend your village. There are enough people in the universe to befriend platonically.

Comment below to let us know why you’re single.