Nickels, have you seen the most recent season of Emily in Paris? The main character is a complete trainwreck but it did inspire this blog post. Emily is navigating her 20’s and like most of us during that era is making a lot of questionable decisions. It made me think of my own experiences in my 20’s to which I have identified a list of 6 things I wish I knew then that I know now. Please be sure to comment and let me know if you can relate?

1. College was a waste of time and money

Hear me out, if you are not a millennial you may not understand this sentiment. I was a first generation college graduate and felt pressure to go to school. My family, teachers, and school counselor assured me that attending college was the next logical step following high school. Their idea was that a college’s education would provide financial security and an abundance of opportunities. They were wrong but to be fair they did not know it at the time. As the saying goes “talent is equally distributed but opportunity is not”. For me, college only yielded a mediocre job earning a modest income AND wouldn’t you know I have navigated my 13 year career without ever once being asked to provide proof of my degree? So many businesses require an education but never actually request a candidate to produce evidence of that rather arbitrary requirement. In college they put so much stock into us declaring a major by our second year; I majored in Finance. However, in the real world our majors do not actually make a difference. There are so many individuals working in my field of study that majored in something else in college. I wish I would have studied something more liberal in college and later obtained my financial licenses and/or certifications. Certificates hold more stock in Finance than a degree anyway. If I knew then what I know now I would have reconsidered going to college all together or at least held off for a while. There are plenty of lucrative career options that do not require degrees and many employers who now offer tuition reimbursement programs. It maybe would have been more resourceful to gain valuable work experience and then at a later time pursue a degree while taking advantage of an employer’s reimbursement program.

2. Accepting a job just to get my foot in the door was a huge mistake

Upon graduating from college it took me 2 years to find a job. I was convinced by a recruiter to accept role in a call center at a financial institution just to get my foot in the door of that company. I was stuck at that same company for 8 years and not much beyond a toe got into that “door”. The flaw with the foot in the door action plan, particularly for an African American woman, is that once in a position we tend to be typed cast for that role. What I mean is prospective employers and recruiters are reluctant to value potential over experience. My experience happened to be in a role I never wanted in the first place and I was challenged with trying to convince prospective employers to see my potential, honor my transferrable skills, AND acknowledge my degree! While networking maybe would have alleviated some of those pain points I found it difficult to connect with decision makers on that level. Studies have shown that women and people of color have more difficulty with networking, mentorship, and sponsorship compared to their white counterparts. For instance, check out the 2012 study (performed during the early stages of my career) by Katherine Milkman, a professor at Wharton School of Business who reviewed how race and gender impacts advancement. I like to think her study further supports my theory that getting your foot in the door is not a very useful strategy for woman of color. In essence, if I knew then what I know now I would have been more aggressive and held out for the job I really wanted.

3. Dating after of college is hard!

I will never forget the time my sorority sister coined the phrase “women go to school to get their MRS” and I wish I would have known then what I know now which is dating is hard after college! Most of my friends and acquaintances who are married met their spouses in college or at college age. Dating for me in college was traumatic, full of drama, and a huge distraction. As such, I had no intention on finding a husband there; big mistake! I assumed I would have plenty of opportunities to date upon graduating following the establishment of my career but I grossly miscalculated my odds. I did not account for the challenges of meeting a quality partner outside of a controlled environment like school. Suddenly my dating pool was shallow and filled with prospects who they themselves had accessibility to an unquantifiable amount of women. In summary, dating as an adult has been daunting, filled with a lot ghosting, disappointment, and regret! Maybe I should have focused on settling down before graduating college.

4. Self love and internal validation is important

I was very insecure in my 20’s. I needed a lot of external validation from family members, friends, lovers, employers, etc. The issue with relying on others to validate my worth was running the risk of being undervalued which I often was. For example I would overextend myself at work, clocking in long hours and independently learning skills to enhance my job performance. However, I was never acknowledged for my proactiveness and tenacity. Something I know now that I wish I knew then is that validation and confidence comes from within then exudes on the outside.

5. Deal with people accordingly

I use to overvalue my relationships in my 20’s and early 30’s. No relationship should come at an unreasonable cost. In my 20’s time served in any relationship such as a friendship superseded the quality of that relationship. One thing I know now that I wish I knew then is that all relationships are going to have hurdles, there will be growing pains, and conflict inevitable but it is important to me that a friendship has certain key qualities. The key qualities are mutual respect, honest communication, and equity. It is all about balance and reciprocity for me. My sister once gave me the best advice regarding relationships that do not meet my expectation and that was to deal with people accordingly. In dealing with people accordingly I do not have to have a big blow out or kumbaya like I did when I was younger to express myself. I’ve learned that reevaluating and redefining a relationship in silence is more peaceful and effective; it is a natural evolution in every relationship’s life cycle. I think about how allocation elections in a retirement plan work. Every so often the percentages of the funds elected get off balance and a financial adviser or some automated system comes in to do a rebalancing of those investments to ensure the investor stays on track with their goals. Relationships need that same evaluation and rebalancing sometimes. As such, not all relationships can survive that process and that is okay. Sometimes you have to change the investments all together to meet the end goal.

6. Things almost never go as planned

Most of us had a plan in life which is why we went to a certain school, declared a certain major, dated a certain guy, befriended a certain group of people, moved into a certain neighborhood, etc. I do not know about most people but for me none of my plans went as planned. I was very specific about my goals and corresponding timelines but life happens while we’re planning for life, right? So something I know now that I wish I knew then is that adaptability is the key to happiness. I have accepted that in life I must pivot to survive and I now desire preparedness over having a concrete plan. So let’s toast to planning for the best but preparing for the worst.