Family
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Issa Molly?!… BFF Quiz
I know my Nickels must be huge fans of the hit HBO series, Insecure like me, right?! The series just wrapped its final season last month and I am already suffering from withdrawal. The two central characters, Issa and Molly are best friends on the show and remind me of my own quirky friendship with my BFF, JRW. In fact, I think their relationship is representative of MOST healthy BFF relationships. So today’s post is all about paying homage to our BFFs, a relationship like no other in the world! Complete the below BFF quiz to see if you have a Molly or Issa in your life.
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Are you ovu-late to the party?
Lately, I have not posted much about fertility because of my promise to you, my Nickels to keep it light and airy. However, just this once I need to break my own rule; I hope that is okay. Many of you have inquired about the status of my fertility journey and I think it is now the time to share. Before I do share, I would like to preface this post by stating this is will be my last post on a fertility topic. At the time I started my blog my goal was to inform and encourage women to explore their fertility wellness. I did not think at that time there were enough resources and platforms for women to freely explore their fertility options and reproductive health. Personally, I was not sure where to get started or how to proceed when I first began my journey because fertility stuff is not generally apart of our standard women’s wellness screenings. I found that if I did not know to ask certain questions I would likely not get the service I needed at my screenings let alone be redirected to a fertility specialist. This is why it was important for me to create this platform for others. I hope this blog served as a starting point for the novice forging or wishing to forge a path to parenthood now or in the future. However, today I am happy to see there are tons of resources available including CDC campaigns and celebrity endorsed branding that support women’s wellness. I feel comfortable letting off the gas and allowing the bigger platforms to do what they do best, magnify an important subject. It has been a pleasure and a honor to share my journey with you during these past 6 months. I believe I have reached the pinnacle of my efforts and as such, it is time for me to press new creative boundaries with my brand. If you are still interested in fertility topics please be sure to check out my other fertility articles to learn more.
Let jump into it!
Upon miscarrying back October I gave myself a few weeks to grieve before pursuing another 2 rounds of IVF. I did not share my next 2 attempts with many people like I had done before. I opted to only share minor details on social media but nothing too invasive. I wanted to take a more private approach this time around given my first experience was so public. It was important for me to protect my peace and stay in a positive head space. I replaced my reliance on people with fasting, praying and meditating. Though I am not a religious person I wanted to rely on God’s guidance and support during those rounds.
I went into my 2nd attempt without the support of my phenomenal doctor; she was on maternity leave. The doctors who cared for me in her absence were all males and though very competent, they lacked bedside manner. One doctor in particular called during the middle of my cycle and in so many words encouraged me to discontinue my cycle. As I have shared before I have a low eggs reserve which is not a dealbreaker. However, this doctor found my slow maturation process and low egg reserve disconcerting. I do not wish to share all the details of my 2nd attempt but in short, it was unsuccessful.
For my 3rd attempt I was seen by my amazing doctor again! She had returned from maternity leave. I was met with new and unique challenges this round. First, my follicles were not maturing at all. After several days of attempting to mature my follicles and increasing my hormone levels to the highest dosages I had surpassed the timeframe it took for my previous 2 attempts. In addition, I was being inundated at work and we were experiencing frequent winter weather storms in the area. These factors made the commute to my appointments difficult. My mental and physical health were starting to take a nosedive. I had gone into a state of depression by day 15 of my treatment. I can recount returning home from my appointment that day and sitting in the car crying for over a hour. I posted an encrypted photo and message to instagram that day talking about how it is okay to cry. Later that same evening, my nurse called to instruct me to take a dose of Certritide, an ovulation suppressant the first thing the next morning. I reminded the nurse that I had taken all 3 injections of the Certritide at the onset of my cycle as instructed and I was never directed to order more. I could tell the nurse was frantic on her end of the phone. She was trying to organize a way for us to meet so she could give me the medication but finally opted on directing me to take the medication in the evening the next day.
The following Monday I was seen by doctor and to put this in context, generally I am seen by the medical staff for ultrasounds and bloodwork. My doctor would only see me in person for consultations and procedures. I was happy to see my doctor but I knew her in person visit meant she needed to deliver some news. I was on day 17 of my medication which was unprecedented even for me. The doctor and I discussed my situation. She began introducing alternative parenting solutions such as using a donor’s embryo to conceive, this option would be similar to an adoption. After reviewing a few other alternatives including IUI, the doctor finally asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted to stay the course and continue the cycle. She supported my decision and began preparing for my ultrasound. During my ultrasound I could tell by her demeanor something was wrong. She got up abruptly and told me she needed to look at something. When she returned she had a look of dismay on her face as she reported my prognosis, ‘you have ovulated, you lost your mature eggs’. I burst into tears and I mean a hysterical cry. I could tell she wanted to comfort me but you know, covid. She settled for a pat on the knee and handed me a box of a tissue. All that medication and days of preparing were gone! It is my belief my unexpected ovulation was caused by missing my first morning dose of the Cetritide.
Once I was able to gather myself I asked my doctor about the next steps. She wanted to perform an IUI that day in an effort to salvage one of the less mature eggs. She performed the procedure to no avail. Also, that day she voiced her concerns for me and the IVF process. She believed I was putting too much stress on my body and that the plan may have been too aggressive from the start. She mentioned that while IVF has a higher success rate it has been correlated with certain cancers. Additionally, she reinforced the general opinion that IVF is a preferable option in more severe cases of infertility. In my case I was believed to be fertile but just limited in options due to my relationship status. She encouraged me to explore less aggressive options such as IUI. Lastly, she stressed that despite the many medical advancements in fertility there are still many mysteries in the process such as pinpointing the best cycle for a women to try. Even the most fertile women do not produce viable eggs 100% of the time. In fact, most fertile aged women have an 80% chance of conceiving during any giving year which means 2 months out of year a woman can have an all nonviable egg cycle.
Ultimately, I took my doctor’s advice did not pursue another round IVF plus my insurance benefit was on the verge of depletion. I could not afford another treatment even if I wanted to. In closing, I have endured some fertility challenges such as bias doctors, a limited donor selection, lack of support, expensive medical bills, a negligent nurse, diagnosis of fibroids, and many failed attempts including a miscarriage but still, I have no regrets. I learned a lot about my body and reproductive system. Also, if I am being honest I am single person nearing the geriatric pregnancy age without a prospect in sight. I never thought I would have the opportunity to have kids so I am blessed to have had the opportunity to at least try. I am grateful. Comment below if you are reading this and are going through your own fertility journey. I want to send you some peace, love, and baby dust!
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30, Single, and Childless, OH MY!
Nickels if I am being honest I never thought in a million years that I would be in my 30’s, single, and childless. Like I imagine many other women, as a little girl I too dreamt of my wedding day and names for my children.
As I got older, I realized my hope for marriage and children may not come to fruition. I recall during one of my annual women’s wellness screenings the doctor casually suggested egg freezing. The mere suggestion of fertility treatment is hilarious given the cost. Also, it was a harsh reminder of my age. I went from pregnancy prevention to the family planning talks with my doctor. Welcome to one of the many drastic changes in your 30’s 🙂
Being in your 30’s, single, and childless does not have to be a plague. I think women should embrace this stage of their lives as there are many perks to this lifestyle. I once read a list of things women should do before getting married. I would like to add my own spin to that list and challenge my 30 plus, childless, and single ladies to do the following:
Nic #1: Enjoy a domestic and international solo trip. As a single and childless woman you do not need to consult a husband or arrange for a sitter to book a flight. The only arranging you have to do is for your plane seat and a hotel room.
Nic #2: Enjoy a girl’s trip. In early 2020 I got to celebrate my BFF’s birthday in Jamaica on a girl’s trip. Though I was the only single and childless person on the trip. It was nice getting out with the girls.
Nic #3: Purchase your dream car which may not be child safe. It may be a topdown 2 seater! As a single and childless woman you do not have to purchase a car with space for soccer balls and car seats. You can buy the sportiest sports car out there provided you can afford it!
Nic #4: Buy a house, why not? Whatever you own before marriage is yours. Joint assets are nice but do not shy away from accumulating your own wealth while single.
Nic #5: Enjoy the dating experience. This is something I have not done very well but I hear dating can be fun. I think dating is a bit more nuanced with children and a husband. I am guessing you should not date when you are married lol (not unless you are dating your spouse).
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Pride & Prejudice OR Pregnant & Prejudice?
Embarking on the journey to single parenthood has made me realize progressive science is not synonymous with progressive ideology. People of color, singles, and same sex couples have many hurtles to overcome in the pursuit of fertility including discrimination in the medical community. Recently I asked a friend who had successfully undergone fertility treatment with her same sex partner if she felt she had experienced prejudices while participating in the process and she responded with a resounding “YES’’! I think it is a plausible theory that most nontraditional couples or singles will experience some form of discrimination during the fertility process. Treatment and ‘proper’ family planning was likely created with heterosexual couples in mind but like most things, over time it evolved into a viable option for others like myself.
In my blog post ‘Get yo fertility screening’ I briefly discuss my first consultation with a fertility physician at an esteemed teaching hospital. It was apparent that the doctor had a moral dilemma with my request to seek fertility assistance as a single woman. In an effort to project her values on to me the doctor insisted I consider other options such as freezing my eggs while waiting to be married. I was completely mortified by the mere suggestion that her personal values had a place in my consultation. It was important for me to remember that doctors are human too and therefore, capable of bringing their unconscious (and sometimes very conscious) biases into the workplace. Make sure to do your research and advocate for yourself when deciding on a doctor. In the end I was able to find a progressive physician who not only supported my decision to get pregnant but strongly encouraged me to explore all options, single or otherwise. My doctor developed a comprehensive plan based on facts and my biological metrics that was flexible enough to incorporate variables like meeting a mate in the future. I got lucky.
However, that is where my luck ran out. I learned I had a fibroid during my initial fertility screening. It was only then that I discovered how common fibroids are among women of color. According to episode 62 of the ‘This is Infertility’ podcast, 80% of women will be diagnosed with fibroids and of those women, most will be black women. Also, the podcast episode mentioned there is no proven method to prevent fibroids and in some cases fibroids may lead to infertility. This led me to believe that there may be a deficiency in the medical community when it comes to research. I pondered on why women of color were not routinely screened for fibroids given the fact we are the most impacted. It is not enough to know that it is a common condition especially if this condition may be disproportionally causing infertility in our community.
Another area of vulnerability that is disproportionately impacting women of color is the maternal mortality rate. Pursuant to the CDC approximately 700 women die each year in the country as result of pregnancy and delivery complications. These deaths are FOUR to FIVE times more likely to occur among women of color when compared to white women. Many advocates believe this disparity is due to systemic racism in the medical community. Currently there is a campaign called ‘Hear Her’ which is designed to address some of the preventable pregnancy related deaths. Personally, I do not think we can truly mitigate the risk of maternal mortality if we do not address racism in the medical field.
In closing this article is not an attack on science or the medical community but rather a call to action. I am grateful for our doctors, nurses, medical staff, first responders, and the people in the lab researching ways to eradicate illness and extend our quality of life. However, the job cannot end there. There has to be a concerted effort to end racism and prejudices in all areas but especially in the medical field. Unlike any other industry prejudices in the medical community can lead to a fatality. All doctors should want to render adequate medical care to their patience regardless of race, creed, socioeconomic background, marital status, gender, or sexual orientation.
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A daddy and a baby caddy
Many women today are electing nontraditional paths to parenthood. Still, biologically a male must be involved in the baby making process as sperm is a crucial component. Today there are tons of options available such as cryobanks or more informally know as sperm banks all over the country that offer a variety of donors to father a child. The benefit of choosing a cryobank is the level of autonomy while deciding on your child’s potential father and the mitigation of legal procedures to ensure parental rights. Additionally, the male donors are heavily screened for diseases, over 300 genetic disorders, and family medical history. As a bonus some men volunteer lifetime photos, personality test, and the ability for your child to contact their biological father in the future. The selection process can be overwhelming which is why it may be helpful to consult your fertility clinic for guidance. Below is a list of questions you may want to consider while shopping around to help you discern the best options. Every cryobank site has a FAQ section with most answers to questions you’ll need to know.
Good luck on your journey and happy shopping!
Donor questions:
- How much does each sample (straw or vial) cost?
- Are the samples washed?
- How often is the donor list updated?
- How are donors screened? How often?
- What genetic screening is done on the donors?
- How many samples from one donor are sent to one geographic area and nationwide?
- How much does it cost to send the sample to clinic?
- What is the procedure for returning the sample(s), if not used? Is there a fee for restoring the returned samples?
- What is the charge for returning the tank? How is that arrangement made?
- How many samples from the chosen donor are currently available? If I become pregnant using this donor sample, can I buy and store more samples for possible future use?
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Treat YOself to a fertility screening!!!
Nickels, I have been debating about the forum I wanted to share my fertility journey. I have been filming a VLOG but have opted to blog instead. Many of my base followers are single, black, and childless females like myself, I wanted to share some insight on my fertility journey in case you are considering a family of your own.
All my life I wanted to be a mom but life had a few plot twist of it’s own. Still, no matter how my life has unfolded, my desire for motherhood never wavered. So, in 2020 when things abruptly slowed down due to the pandemic, I had decided it was time for me to embark on my journey to parenthood. I was first challenged by my marital status. I am a single woman and though we live in a progressive world, most people are not keen to a single woman choosing the path to parenthood. Also, no matter how progressive we are, we still need men for their sperm, which was one of many conundrums. Needless to say, Once I decided to have a child, I made a few phone calls. The first call was to a top rated fertility specialist. This doctor questioned my marital status, “don’t you want to wait until you meet someone?”, she quizzed in a very judgmental like tone.
Nic #1: Find the right doctor for you. Though my first doctor was a top rated fertility specialist and director at an ivy league school, her contempt for my marital status was clear and this would conflict with my own values. Eventually I found a wonderful doctor who was not invested in my marital status rather my fertility. In fact, my doctor highly encouraged me not to wait and endorsed my decision to pursue parenthood alone. My doctor broke down the reproductive process in a scientific yet understandable way. She drew diagrams that were easy to follow. As a visual learner, those diagrams were paramount in helping me comprehend a very complex reproductive system. Plus my doctor checked in at every stage of the process and validated my feelings.
Nic #2: Practice good mental and physical health routines. Fertility can be an emotionally charged and physically taxing process for most women. Even more so, for single women. Most women who try to conceive the traditional way, may track their ovulation, have sex, and then take a pregnancy test after a missed period. Also, women with partners inherit an automatic support system. While the traditional process may have its difficulties too, I can assure you fertility treatment magnifies those difficulties for most women. We women who have gone through fertility treatment are overwhelmed in different ways especially if we are single. We are left to deal with the emotional, financial and physical implications alone. We are poked and prodded, pricked and swabbed by doctors every 2 days, maybe daily. We have to self inject a series of hormones on a tight schedule (3 to 4 needles a day) which leaves us cranky, tired, bloated, and fragile. We are placed under anesthesia, spend countless hours waiting for news, and then BILLED . It is an emotional rollercoaster. After which, we finally make it to the transfer that triggers yet another emotional cycle.
Nic #3: You will need a strong and consistent support system. I found my support in the most unlikely candidates. Shockingly, some people including friends treated fertility treatment like the Cinderella of conception, the unwanted stepchild of pregnancy. The level of insensitivity from people was baffling given we live in the age of science and free information. A friend once, cavalierly ask about miscarriages, she framed it in a way that you would think we were discussing the loss of a debit card not a child, “just get a new one, right?” I found that some people could not connect the humanity in the process and as a result treated me like a science textbook rather than a person with feelings. I can agree babies created with the use of IVF are not conceived with the help of love making “sex” but our babies are still made with lots of love, prayer, effort, and money. When I took my pregnancy test and saw two lines and when the doctor confirmed my results, my heart fluttered like any other mom wishing for the good news. Then, when the doctor said something was wrong and I eventually did miscarry, my heart skipped a beat like anyone else dreading loss. This is why a solid and understanding support system is paramount. My village gave me the support and confidence I needed to try again.
Nic #4: Everything about this process is challenging BUT worth it. The first step is to schedule a consult. Even if you are not yet ready to have a baby at least start the conversation and get your fertility screening. It will give you a better idea of the options available to you. Every woman’s body and hormone levels are different. You will want a customizable plan for you so you may properly plan. In closing, if you are 25 yrs+ and want children some day, please start the conversation with your doctor. The younger you are, the better.
Good luck and God bless!
